this is the time when I’m meanest to myself

Mirror glimpse,
fat old ugly fat old ugly double chin bad skin acne shame hatred
stabbing into me…

And then I smile at myself and try to move on
accepting that mean voice
being Zen or something…

But it hurts so bad.

It’s my mom looking at my body and my dad looking at my body
and my dad preying on me and seeing me as meat.
And then me repeat.

But sometimes I catch my sparkling gray eyes,
my Bubbie’s eyes,
and I see a spirit and a crackle and dare I say magic…

And in the quick moment before I start tearing my body apart again,

I’m free.

I'm sorry

That I wrapped my head for so long
It was hurtful and appropriative
And I’m so sorry
I am working to repair by honoring the South Asian roots of yoga every time I teach
By remembering that I learned this practice from people of color
And staying humble in the process, always learning

36 weeks

sometimes at dusk
we go to our neighborhood pool
and become whales…
we take a big breath, you in my belly
and dive down deep
to the bottom of the ocean
where just you and me
are free

birch

my heart
soft as birch,
fall winds freshly peeled

26 weeks

i’m nervous to give birth
that it will be deeply triggering
i’m worried about bleeding and tearing
and feeling like a little girl again
torn

my shadows too

I’m wondering about all of my shadows

Like when I’m
Aloof
Removed
Self-conscious
Self-doubting
Judgmental
Heart closed

Is that part of what a shadow is?
The places where our hearts close?

Krishna told me to keep looking for the seed,
The underlying roots of every situation – not just the surface issues

And when I walk that spiral path back to the seed
I usually find love
Where I’m hurt
I find love
Where I’m angry
Often love
Where I’m confused

I think my pregnancy hormones
Are telling me something
About love
About shadows
About the sides of my heart softening
And finding so much more compassion
For the parts I don’t want people to see

13 weeks

as a survivor,
one of my most utilized coping mechanisms has been trying to control everything around me -
my environment, my friends, my colleagues, my house, my body

in fact part of the reason i love yoga and meditation is that they help me be in control

but now, 13 weeks into the deepest surrender i’ve ever known,
i have to let go
there is no other way
wahe guru

riding the Metro
the cacophony
of our heartbeats

now i’m crying

it’s 8:30am
obgyn this morning
triggered

prosperity

the spreading lotus
those juicy pink blossoms
ocean herself
Oshun and her rivers
my little niece Stella
baby me, knowing

Ganesh, clear the path.